Sunday, March 8, 2009

Being Stoic Can Really Be Stupid Sometimes.

So it's beautiful outside, but I gotta stick to my word and post even on the pretty days.

As I have mentioned before, I don't like to complain or whine about my RA issues, but being stoic can really be stupid sometimes. Like when I am talking to my doctor and he asks me how I am and I say, "fine." Come on, I am at the Duke Clinic seeing a specialty doctor .... things are obviously not fine. Spill it! Or, when I am walking six blocks to go see the Ravens play the Steelers ... at a quick pace .... will I be ok? No, but I said that I would be fine to my Dad, Sister, and Husband. Yeah, I had a flare for the rest of the week, but the Steelers won, so it was kind of worth it? Although, if I would have been honest with myself and my family, I am sure there would have been accessible parking somewhere closer. Oh and how about the time, I thought that I could host a big dinner on New Years Day for my friends. I didn't let anyone make anything even though I was totally flaring. Stupid. Once again, I was sick for the rest of the week.

And here is my stupidest stoic moment to date, I side swiped the drive thru bank machine because my right shoulder hurt so bad, I could barely change gears? Why was I not in bed, if I was in that much pain? And what the hell was I doing driving a five speed? I have never told anyone (other than my husband, I think) why I have a dent in my car, and now I am telling the entire world wide web ..... Hi .... Pretty dumb huh?

I think that I have called myself dumb and stupid enough. My stoicism is much more than that. I know that I am slowly recovering from that mindset and blogging has definitely helped the process. I doubt that I am alone in feeling that I want my life to be as "normal" as possible and be as "normal" as possible. I don't know how to communicate well about my RA because I have played it off for so long. I know people (we all do) who are the "great complainers", and they ANNOY me. "Whah", I think, "we all have problems." But, my problem is not being honest with myself, let alone honest to people who care about me. My health and possibly the safety of others (when I got in the car and drove when I definitely shouldn't have been) has been compromised by not communicating well.

Maybe, my attitude is a form of denial too .... not sure .... but I am over it. If you ask me how I am doing you might just get an earful. Don't worry I will be upbeat and as charming as possible about it. I will continue to share my stories and advocate and put my health first and be as realistic as possible. I guess that right now my life's reality includes dealing with RA --that is my normal.

As an aside, it is really nice to write and not have to use words like moreover, watershed, catalyst, and hegemonic. Those are great words to use while writing history papers. ;-) You'll at least get a B

My personal favorite ..... Consequently ..........

Happy Sunday!

2 comments:

  1. :( I had no idea you were in so much pain at the game!! This blog is very interesting, and I'm impressed that you can put yourself out there like this! Love you!

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  2. I always wondered just how you were taking this RA in such stride over the years since day 1. Thank you for letting us know what is really going on. We all love you and we want to help any way we can. I am so glad this blog is helping you...I think it is also helping all of us, so we can know what our Cristen is going through without you having to spell it out to each and every one of us all the time.

    Love,
    Heath

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