Tuesday, April 21, 2009


Having a bad pain day today. I am feeling a little better right now since I took a very hot bath after class. Sometimes, I feel so yucky that I feel like I am in a pain bubble ...... It's like I am on the drug called "pain". Because, it is more than just feeling pain. I perceive things differently, I am on my own island and I dare not invite anyone. Time goes by slowly since it takes me longer to do everything. I walk differently ... or I don't walk. If I have to leave the house .... which is most days .... I go into this zone of adaptation. Wait that is not the right word ...... struggling to get through the task at hand basic survival.

I concentrate on things people normally don't even think about. For example, even though I am hurting I have to walk and focus on the path of least resistance. How will I walk up those stairs in the least amount of pain? My ankles hurt and I walk flat footed so I don't further aggravate my achilles tendons. I have to put my bag over my left shoulder because my right shoulder is screamin (even though I am right-handed and having my bag on the left feels weird.) Now that I have sat for awhile and listened to a lecture on classroom management I have to stand and everything is going to hurt and it will be hard to walk .... hard to straighten my legs. Should I take the stairs or will it take long for the elevator to get to my floor? Which option will be more painful? What in the HELL did I do to deserve this?

I gotta go home and sleep this pain off! See what I mean about being in a lot of pain is like being in a drug haze? However, it's not ANY fun.

Socially, I keep to myself, I have to spend so much attention on getting through whatever I am doing I don't really talk to anyone. You know ... they aren't on that drug called pain so they don't know how I feel. I am on my own. I think people who are addicts probably feel this way when they are around sober people. So, I am around a bunch of healthy people ..... and they have no idea how much I am struggling

Pain Pain go away don't come back so I can ....... walk straight.

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