Being Stoic Continued

Well, a lot has happened since my last post. I've been to Pennsylvania and back. My Grandma Bopp died and I went to the funeral. As a result, I saw lots of family and friends that I haven't seen in many years. Ever since last Friday night when my grandma died from a stroke, I have been thinking about her strength and courage. She was a very strong NO NONSENSE kind of woman.

At first, thinking of her made me feel like a loser (for just two days). She never seemed afraid and always spoke her mind. What am I? A 32-year-old woman who has never had kids when she had 4, still in school trying to get a degree, when she worked HARD all of her life. Why can't I just get it together!?!?!?!?!

Then, on Monday morning I went to Pennsylvania with my brother and was surrounded by people who loved her and reminded me of her other attributes. She LOVED her grandchildren and she kept a prayer in her wallet that asked for God's strength during hardship. So, she wasn't perfect, she had to ask for help too. Then, I began to look at her strength in a different light, maybe I can lean on her strength now ... the memory of her strength while I finish my degree in the midst of a separation. No one is perfect including me so I need to stop beating myself up and stop trying to attain perfection .... or even something that resembles perfection .... I can only be me ... and I am flawed.

During the funeral, I realized that the perfect place to open up about your problems is at a funeral home ..... everyone is kind of in a nostalgic thoughtful melancholy mood. When your 87-year-old grandfather is crying why even attempt stoicism? If he's letting go, why can't I? One of the first questions I was asked as I walked into the building was, "So, are you married?" "No, actually I am separated." I was off to an excellent start.

Later, an uncle that I hadn't seen in several years had heard about my separation and asked me about it and I let go and filled him in on why I was separated. An Aunt asked me about my arthritis .... blah blah blah .... filled her in on all of the details ..... and it turned out that she has a form of arthritis too. Then, a family friend and I talked about my RA and her deceased husband's analysing spondilytis, her brother-in-law's psoriasis and her sister's RA. I talked to a distant cousin about his wife's cancer. I decided to open up to people on the way up to Pennsylvania and I definitely was achieving my goal. And, it was OK. No one cried, or took off, or told me to go lie down, or tried to play matchmaker. And my family understood me better, I could communicate more freely about everything because I wasn't hiding a big part of my identity.

Just so you know, I don't plan on doing this all of the time everywhere ... that would be weird. But, the funeral home was a great place to practice and my family was more than willing to listen. So, now I know that I can be honest with myself and others about my life.

Another Aunt brought up some good points about being stoic.

1. Women try to take care of everyone.
2. Women try to be strong for everyone.

I do this, and it's another unrealistic expectation that I have for myself. I think part of the reason that I have held in my problems is that I don't want to worry people. I want to be strong for them .... be there for them ...... I don't want my RA to cause them pain as well. But, with that attitude I have realized that I am denying a part of myself as well as not allowing people in who want to help ..... It very well may be a control issue. I think that I can control my disease in a way if I act ok, tell people that I am ok .... but that is a grave mistake a fantasy really.

So, I am working on letting go ...

Thanks Grandma for allowing me to lean on you as I let go .....

Anna Cordek Bopp
January 9, 1926 - March 6, 2009
"Grandma Rules"